I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
