grandma shit on top of the toilet
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize