you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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