Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
