I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
