The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
