You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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