What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
