I showed him my bush... on skype.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
