i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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