he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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