when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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