u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
