k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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