I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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