So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
