if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
