I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
