first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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