I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
