Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize