If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I think people are normalizing furries
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
