why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
