My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
