I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize