Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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