there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
