i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
