I want to have your abortion
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
