i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
