I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
