It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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