dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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