I can't breathe out the right side of my face
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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