we have officially lost it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
