Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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