If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
