New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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