Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
