Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
