sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
