my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
