You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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