I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm just crazy horny about you
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
