I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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