Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
