So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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