dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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