How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
