Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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