he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
