Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
