i already hear my dad disowning me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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