I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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