WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
