I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
