Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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